by Man from Baker Hill
There must be some cause for concern with our system of tax laws. That must be the reason why the British Prime Minister summons our Premier to the UK to talk tax transparency. Something must be unsatisfactory with our tax system. In fact … the Montserrat Reporter had warned about this very thing. But you know what? Let’s cut the crap and small talk. Read the real thing right here and now!
Yes, we got some inside scoop on the discussions. We heard that something is coming; and it ‘aint de nex e lecshun’. It is an agenda, a tax agenda. We know exactly what have been discussed between the Premier and the UK Prime Minister. These ‘fellas’ are going to introduce a new range of taxes. It is called the agenda. The agenda on one hand covered the introduction of taxation on every service on which Montserratians are spending too much money; and on the other hand introduced taxation that will stimulate population growth, productivity and enterprise.
In other words, the new tax system will penalize Montserrations for allowing their natural resources to be underutilized. It will also seek to curb the urge to spend money on some extraneous services.
Here are a few of the new taxes that came out of the meeting with the UK Prime Minister and the Montserrat Premier. Under the category of underutilization: Holders of diplomas and degrees will be charged a special tax based on a percentage of their potential earnings. There will be a tax on childless people between the ages of 25 to 40. A penalty tax will be charged on unsold newspapers. It is expected that there will be a 25% tax on church collections. It has not been fully decided whether this last item is to be under the category of extraneous services or under-productivity. All businesses will be charged an advertisement and marketing tax which will be paid to The Montserrat Reporter. This tax is very crucial in the process of stimulating economic growth. It was believed that consumers are unaware of the goods and services that are available to them and that forced advertisement must become a law on the books of Montserrat.
In order to raise awareness of the island’s lack of productivity, a host of new taxes will be unleashed on Montserratians. There will be a heavy tax on persons who allow their produce to be eaten by iguanas and agouti. Persons with properties that have fruit trees on them will be charged a tax on fruits that have not been collected and taken to a collection point to be processed and preserved.
The Prime Minister and our Premier discussed and considered that a tax should be collected on local produce bought; this is in order to compensate for the loss of import duties that used to be paid by the Dominica boat. As a consequence there will be a moderate tax on locally grown tomatoes, string beans, carrots and other vegetables and greens. To encourage the support of an integrated meat and fish industry it was agreed to charge a tax on every pound of fish, goat meat, lamb and pork sold from the backs of pick up trucks and cars. It was also agreed that this tax will be used to train butchers and meat industry workers, as well as to establish a modern fresh and frozen fish shop.
And there is much more! Bar tenders will have to save bottles from the drinks sold because a tax will be charged on the number of bottles counted. There will be a stock verification with the merchant’s invoices to ensure compliance. This tax will recreate the lucrative bottle collection system of the late seventies.
Tax will be charged on the number of cats and dogs in each household. Tax on owners of flower and vegetable gardens that attract roaming goats will be charged also.
There will be a tax on owners of cell phones and cell phone top-ups. Tax on owners of parked or laid up vehicles at the road side will be very heavy. So too will be the tax on underused lands over three acres. If I am not mistaken, I believe that there will be a tax on the owners of beautiful gates and gardens. There will be a special tax on persons holding positions as directors of boards and members of certain committees, especially those brought about by the new Constitution. Exercise clubs and their patrons will now have to pay tax based on the number of members (and their weight). Persons found walking in the afternoon before 5.00pm will be taxed too. Walkers cause too much distraction during the rush hour. There will be surtax on all personal income tax to employ special tax collectors to police the new tax system.
We know that these new taxes seem ridiculous; but this is the situation in which Montserrat finds itself. In fact, the Premier agreed that things must get worse in order for persons residing on Montserrat to appreciate the true value of a fair tax collection system.
Lastly, the Agenda strongly recommended that a new political party be founded just for young people; and that the mission and vision statements of this new party must contain the word ‘TAXATION’. It was unanimously agreed that DFID will finance the new political party.
To be forewarned is to be forearmed; so says ‘The Montserrat Reporter’!
