Crabs on the Plane
A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked the flight attendant to take care of them for him.
She took the box and promised to put it in the crew’s refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.
Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, “Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?”
Not one hand went up, so she took them home and ate them.
Watch Dogs
A friend to another, “what are the names of your dogs?”
The she responded that one was named Rolex and the other Timex.
Her friend said, “Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?”
“HellOOOooo,” answered the blonde. “They’re watch dogs.”
What’s That Buzzing?
As a woman passed her daughter’s closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked: ‘What in the world are you doing?’
The daughter replied: ‘Mom, I’m thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I’ll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.’
The next day, the girl’s father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he saw his daughter with a vibrator. To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: ‘Dad I’m thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I’ll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.’
A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from the living room. She walked up and found her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.
The wife asked: ‘And what do you think you’re doing with that?’
The husband replied: ‘I’m watching football with my son-in-law.’
The Confession
A man walks into a church confessional and says to the priest, “Bless me, father, for I have sinned. I was with seven different women last night.”
The priest is silent for a moment, and then says, “Go home and cut seven lemons in half. Squeeze the juice into a glass and drink it down in one gulp.”
“And I’ll be forgiven?” asks the man.
“No,” replies the priest, “but it will wipe that smirk off your face.”
Court Scene
1st Lawyer: You’re a fool!
2nd Lawyer: You’re a damn fool!
Judge: As the lawyers have now properly identified each other, can we now proceed with the case?
