Six Months to Live
So the doctor tells the patient he’s got only six months to live. But the patient doesn’t pay his bill on time, so the doctor gives him another six months.
Movie Ratings
G: Nobody gets the girl.
PG: The good guy gets the girl.
R: The bad guy gets the girl.
X: Everybody gets the girl!
Going Shopping
The clerk asked me, “Cash, check or charge?” after ringing up my purchase. As I fumbled through my wallet, she noticed a remote control for a television set in my purse. “Do you always carry your TV remote?” she asked. “No,” I replied. “But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him!”
Thanksgiving
You don’t need Thanksgiving to hate your family.
There is a special place in hell for people that play Christmas music before Thanksgiving.
Dear Turkeys, don’t worry… they only love us for our breasts too. Sincerely, women.
Nobel Prize search
A man is driving down a country road when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing. The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, “Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?”
The farmer replies, “I’m trying to win a Nobel Prize.” “How?” asks the man, puzzled.
“Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field.”
Guardian Angel
A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice: “Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you.” The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: “Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die.” The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. “Where are you?” the man asked. “Who are you?” “I am your guardian angel,” the voice answered. “Oh yeah?” the man asked…”And where were you when I got married?”
Getting to heaven
A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out the grocery store. As he waited, he was approached by the new pastor, who asked: “Can you tell where the post office is?” “Sure!” the boy replied. “Just go straight down this street a couple of blocks and turn to your right.”
The pastor thanked him and said: “I’d like you to come to church on Sunday. I’ll show you how to get to heaven.” The boy replied with a chuckle: “Aw, come on. You don’t even know the way to the post office!”
Lousy Lover
The morning after their honeymoon night, Julie says to her
husband, “you know, You’re really a lousy lover!”
Her husband replies, “How would you know after only 30 seconds?”
